Fall is Proof pt 1
- Taylor Cummings
- Feb 4, 2024
- 5 min read
"FALL IS PROOF CHANGE IS BEAUTIFUL"
PART 1/3
While at a friends house recently, letting our daughters play with their kids, I was drawn to a sign from hobby lobby on their living room wall that said “Fall is proof that change is beautiful.” Once I noticed it, I mention to Ashley just how much I love their sign. It just felt like a literal sign disguised as a sign.
Change is kind of an ongoing joke with me and Ashley. At the start of anything new or out of the normal routine she says “you know change is hard for me and takes me awhile.” For example, I felt like our kitchen cabinet knobs would look better in a dark bronze color versus the silver ones we had already, so I bought a few to try it out. Later that week I hop in our jeep and do a return at Lowes. Wouldn’t you know it, a little over 3 years later she says “maybe those knobs we had before would look better.” So, we finally compromised and we got those bronze knobs and Ashley finally admits “you were right that they look good, but you know me, change takes me a while.”
Humans are creatures of habit. It takes (X) number of times to create a routine, it takes (X) number of days to create a behavior. I use (X) because 1. I am not a psychologist 2. A random google search is not going to provide an accurate number since I am fairly certain that answer is different from person to person. Change is certainly not an easy thing to do on a personal level and even harder on the societal level.
Change is a word that can cover an infinite number of different topics. I plan to focus on my transition and my approach for myself, family and society and what that change has brought to myself and how I have coped with that as well as others. I know I do not need to explain myself to anyone but for those closest to me I feel this allows them to understand and become a better or a new support person in someone else’s life that may come from the same or different experience. This is also true for a random person on the internet who stumbles across my blog.
So, how is it that someone in their 30s…. a father, and a husband….say that they are a transgender woman now? The short answer is because I always was. The long answer is I that I was on a wash rinse & repeat mode. I tried and I tried and well I tried to be what was expected of me. This is most likely where the depression aspect comes into play, and probably one of the first few struggles someone like myself (and others) with gender dysphoria deal with. You have expectations from all different avenues of life. However, there is something about the disassociation you feel with who you see in the mirror versus who is standing actually in front of it. Personally, after starting my transition, I wish the fix was as acceptable for someone who looks in a mirror unhappy they are overweight and the easy solution(but still requires time and energy) exercise, and dieting. In a perfect world the easy fix for overcoming gender dysphoria is simply just letting them be them.
So a little back story, I can be cliche and talk about how this was a part of my childhood for as long as I recall. Mentioning how in high school my gamertag name was pwrpuffgirl708 & when asked why, I’d say something along the lines of “so people would think I’m a girl when I’m not talking on game chat.” Or how my game characters were always female. Which is funny because it is a personal preference overall and is not an indicator for everyone. But for me it was just a way to feel connected socially as to how I was feeling inside. There is that moment in processing at this younger age and what was going on inside my head who I was- it was beyond a video game playable character.
I had thought maybe I just enjoyed the moments of being able to embrace my femininity for a little bit until someone was home and quickly change back into being a boy again. The worst part of this was while presenting to myself as me in those moments offered a euphoric moment for my inner self but there was always a lingering crash, maybe it was depression. Something about that moment where after the clothes, makeup, or jewelry would come off, I could never take my body off.
It also led me into conversations with my parents especially as I had thought I was good at keeping this hidden eventually a slip up here and there leads to suspicions of what is going on. The worst of it being the “are you doing this because someone is making you or because someone has touched you” conversations. I’ll never forget those car rides with my Dad they were so cringy and awkward having them. This would be starting moments of the guilt and shame that would start to settle in and I would start protecting Taylor and doing whatever it took to keep her safe from the world and hidden better than before.
While I’m close to this topic I think it is important to just mention with minors being able to express themselves. Feeling emotions and questioning who they are in life is good and totally normal, I just want to add that for the gender affirming care of minors, the best thing I feel they should be receiving from anyone is support and love from those closest to them - a part that I lacked but could have been beneficial at the time. I feel that is what the best form of medicine and the best life saving option for transgender minors is, any other circumstances beyond that I will always suggest support and love and seeking out professional input from a therapist and/or a medical provider. This obviously wasn’t my path but for someone else their journey may involve this path, I just felt as it is worthwhile to mention how important having someone to talk to is without feeling judged in this scenario.
I understand when someone you know has gender dysphoria it can be hard to understand. 15 years ago this conversation was a more taboo thing to discuss and information/knowledge wasn’t as accessible as it is today. I’m happy to say it’s nice receiving that support now it is never too late to be there for someone.
But just like Ashley and those beautiful bronze cabinet knobs we have in our kitchen now. Change takes a while to adjust too and I didn’t feel ready for the world and the world didn’t feel ready for me. So, I prayed and listened and just trusted in Gods timing and plan for my life. I was glad I did, because there is so many more beautiful things to come and this is when Ashley enters…
-TAYLOR JADE : )
Edited by: Ashley <3
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