Fall is Proof pt 2
- Taylor Cummings
- Feb 4, 2024
- 7 min read
"FALL IS PROOF THAT CHANGE IS BEAUTIFUL"
PART 2/3
I was 19 years old, going to my first dorm room party. I was visiting my best friend since childhood. I was in gym shorts and a t-shirt that just said Jackass©, and Ashley was looking chill and comfy in her yoga pants and hoodie. If you are familiar with Olaf from Disney’s Frozen he says “some people are worth melting for.” Well Ashley was worth melting for. I never thought today, 15 years later, I would be saying the woman I would meet that night would become my wife and mommy to our beautiful girls. I’m sure she would tell you the same because I’m sure we would have dressed a lot differently that night.
Ashley’s expectations of me started low. In less than 12 hours of knowing Ashley, I promised her she could use my discounts for Bath & Body Works and Victoria’s Secret since at the time I was working for Bath and Body Works, rumor has it she is still waiting for it today. Oh, and she is also waiting for me to transfer to her college as a full time student, after promising to become one after I realized she was only going to date someone going for a four year degree. Well a little luck was on my side and a career with UPS as a driver was about to open up and I think that helped solidify the next 2 years while she was at college.
Over the next 11 years we started to explore the United States. We saw parts of Europe, and of course Disney. Stepping out of my comfort zone and entering parts of the world that spoke a different language really helped me to understand and appreciate people and culture that much more. For example you don’t know how hard it can be to find a bathroom or order food outside of the tourist hotspots but a simple bonjour (hello in French) or a Ahoj (hello in Czech) along with a smile, being respectful and attempting to try,can go a long way. It must have been somewhere along one of these adventures that I was able to convince Ashley to raise those expectations because eventually I was worth saying “thank yes!” (which was how she said yes to me). I was worth getting married to and starting a family with & after 2 long years of trying, in 2019 our first daughter was born.
Ashley and I have an unconditional love that we vowed to have for one another and I was about to put what that meant to the test in 2021. As it is best quoted in “Mad Honey” by Jodi Piccolt “People always talk about how their love for you is unconditional. Then you reveal your most private self to them, and you find out how many conditions there are in unconditional love.” As, I mentioned at the start of this post, Ashley was worth melting. I would argue our relationship is a perfect relationship. However, like most relationships, we do have our highs and lows. I’ve done things that I’m not proud of throughout our relationship. I had outlets at the time I couldn’t explain and held onto my deepest secret. It would eat at my mind almost every night, some days worse than others. But, I always tried my best to give my wife what she deserved of a husband & as the father for her children…you know the man she always dreamed of.
Well, some outside events that were out of our control were going on that was affecting Ashley and I watched her and the toll it was having over her. So, while rocking my daughter, one night after seeing Ashley upset, depression, guilt, shame & everything is weighing heavily. I made the decision to tell Ashley I am transgender and while feeling a wave of selfishness I remind myself that I was being selfless and I was ultimately doing this because of my daughter & for my daughter. As I’ve mentioned previously this was always there and a part of who I am. So, in order to be the best parent I can be, I needed to do this. They deserve someone 110% there and that is happy and healthy. If I want my daughter(s) to be honest and open with me about issues going on in their lives as they grow, How can I keep who I am secret from them? So, the best thing I could do as their Dad was be who I was supposed to be. It wasn’t an easy decision but I knew it was the right decision. And hopefully I can show my children what bravery and courage looks like while slightly redefining what being a Dad looks like.
Maybe, this blog is actually for my daughters, if they ever come across it. So they can know the hardwork and perseverance as I had to overcome adversity for them and our family. I know if I do this right I will teach my girls and they will help change the world as well. “The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of its kind.” -the Emperor (Mulan)
I felt as though this change was going to be the end of life as knew it, but it was just the beginning. In order to get there, we came to a consensus early as to what that would look like:
We would be continuing our plans for our future as we had planned
I would go as slowly as I can, Ashley would go as quickly as she could.
Me going as slow as I could, and Ashley going as quick as she could is important and worth mentioning for any transgender spouse/partner going through the start of your transition with your significant other. The patience and working together allows for this change to become a beautiful thing for your relationship and helps allow it to grow with your significant other. I believe, in turn it has a ripple effect with others as they watch you grow together in this situation. Just remember while you dealt with this for your entire life, for others it is their first seconds of dealing with someone who is transgender. So, if we remain respectful to that fact and understand that it does take time for people to adjust to a change we should all be able to keep up on the same course and maybe this approach allows for those who don’t understand what being transgender looks like and is, overall making it a more empathetic world.
I began seeing a therapist because I had to work out the feelings of depression, guilt, and shame I had associated with myself over my past. I had to learn to overcome that & I had to learn how to love myself and be proud of who I am. Now, my therapist is someone to vent to about all the struggles and triumphs of life and still receive the support that I need by having someone to talk too. Taking this path, I learned a lot about myself & who I am meant to be. I became a better person, I opened my eyes and understanding of what changing your viewpoint means. It’s hard to change your viewpoint until it happens to you or someone you know. For instance, While we loved where we used to worship, I dealt with rejection and loss of feeling safe at the church we used to attend (it is a blog post for another day though but I use it as a reference because I grew from that). I do feel a calling to still help people, especially those with similar experiences as mine. I lost my trust in the “leaders” of that church but I didn’t lose my spirituality.
So, prayers were still answered, & we were blessed with a healthy and beautiful 2nd daughter. We planned on growing our family and while it happened a lot quicker than I thought, it was still nerve wrecking because we knew once we had our 2nd daughter, shortly after I was going to continue transitioning in all aspects especially the medical side (HRT hormone replacement therapy). I was slowly physically (appearance) transitioning, and socially (pronouns/name) transitioning over the last year or so but the hormones would start February 1st 2023.
Here we are now November 2023 it’s been roughly 9 months of living as my authentic self. I’ve grown a lot, Ashley has as well. I can’t give her enough credit and praise for all that she has done and how she has handled these changes I brought. We had to work around the new emotional side I bring and how open I have become (see blog for example ) She took the old style of my wardrobe and we created Taylor’s version of Tim and thank goodness she intervened because my makeup and style NEEDED work. Ashley had to get used to a new name as I legally changed it. Then we have an adjustment that we recently noticed where my friend group is more girl friends versus guy friends, like overall it makes a lot of sense why but it is still an adjustment for her knowing I am fitting in more and becoming "one of the girls". Finally, me being referred to as her wife and not husband at one of our daughters soccer games, of course when this happens I always check how she felt because it is new and communicating is important as we process these new things. Yet, here Ashley is with me and our 2 beautiful girls after all this time and with all these changes. I waited and while at 34, I can confidently say I am happy with my process and that Ashley is giving me Taylor a second chance to show her I am still me just a better version of who I was.
Some changes are big, some are small l, but like Ashley said as I quoted in the last post “change takes me a while.” and we know for most of us change can be difficult but adjusting to it makes it possible. So, how is fall proof that change is beautiful? After a little research on Google as to why tree leaves change colors in fall…they change colors in fall because trees are saving resources to grow stronger and better for spring. This change brings new growth opportunities…a second chance. Fall is more about preparing for growth, and that's what makes it beautiful.
-Taylor Jade 🫶
Edited by: Ashley <3
Notes:
part 3 will be told from Ashleys perspective
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