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Writer's pictureTaylor Cummings

I am: a confusing image

Updated: Aug 26


I am a confusing image



 

Have you ever read a children’s book to your child several hundred times? Has it just been a book they liked and it was a bedtime routine book? I did and our book was “Put Me in the Zoo” by Robert Lopshire. I never thought much of it until mid January when it finally clicked and became beyond relatable to my life. I spent since November 2022 trying to show and justify why I should be put in the zoo. This my experience with rejection. My goal by the end of this is to show that just because your talents are not wanted by someone, your talents have a place where they will be welcomed by someone else.


 

  • November 16, 2022 4:44pm


Pastor A: “Hey Tim, what time do you get done with work tonight? Had a quick question for you.”
Me: “Still working”
Me: “Ask Away”

  • incoming call Pastor A


What came next was not the end of the world, just a wake up call. Something that many in the LGBT+ community deal with most of their life - rejection for being themselves


I wasn’t mentally prepared for that phone call. Maybe because I was expecting a text  response or maybe a phone call in regards to helping at the church. The phone call started with what seemed to be a conversation coming from a place of understanding and love.


I was asked questions like “what is going on with you?”, and I answered all the questions openly and honestly. I gave more info than I needed to. Info such as that since August of the previous year I had been getting help for the depression and anxiety I had from dealing with gender dysphoria. I talked about how I was learning to cope, with the help of therapy, the unknown of my relationship with my wife, family and friends.


I discussed how I felt this can be an opportunity for me to help our church grow and a calling to disciple to the LGBT+ community and open our church to people that don’t always feel welcomed or have a sense of belonging at the religious level. To do what our church mission is- to connect every man, woman and child to God. The phone call seemed as though they were receptive to everything that had been said. When Pastor A spoke next, that is when the tone of the call changed.


An area I served with since 2015 was their hospitality team. The tone shift occurred as I was asked to step away from ushering and serving at the church. I was asked not to have on makeup or my nails painted because…


“You will create a confusing image for the church.”

I responded with okay, that’s fine, in shock of the sudden change in the conversation.


  • call ended with Pastor A



As I processed the call over the next couple of days I thought about 3 things.


  1. The fact that I was not out yet to the world and until this phone call I was just doing things like painting my nails or wearing mascara/eyeliner. I never did this on Sundays.

  2. I thought of a friend I met and had lunch with one day. We had done a support group together. We discussed life and our journeys so far. I recalled her story ended with “I lost everything but I still had God to keep me going.” She went through a lot. I asked myself this hypothetical question “what if I were her?” and the last thing I held onto was that I was told I can’t be a part of something because I would create a confusing image. What would I do?

  3. A support system and how fortunate I am to have one. Having one to fall back on was important as I was hurt a lot by this conversation.


Despite what was said, I felt a calling to still help those that wanted to come to Christ and show that you can be who God created you to be. I wanted to help the next person who would enter their doors or the next congregation member who would “come out.” I wanted the place I liked coming to worship to be a church that truly wants to welcome and love everyone as they are.


 

  • November 20th 2022-


I prayed, I asked for guidance from my support system as to what I should do. I emailed the church, I requested a meeting so we can talk about the pastoral-ship within the church and their response to those that are transgender and how they can better approach the situation. After reflecting on the call I started to feel as though this was coming from a place of personal judgement and by someone not familiar in how to communicate with someone who is transgender.


  • November 21nd 2022-


I received a phone call from Pastor A the next day in response to my email. I was anxious to take the call again based on how the previous call went but I answered. We briefly discussed our previous phone call and I listened as they tried to explain some of their reasoning but it came off as a call to only do damage control and not to remedy this situation.


I follow up with another email, and forward him a position paper from the Assemblies of God website (link below) who their church is affiliated with. It does what it says it intends to do which is explain being transgender from the scientific perspective and it breaks it down from the Christian theological perspective. It said one key paragraph that made it worth including in my response -


“we offer guidelines for the church’s ministry to people who struggle with gender identity, a struggle that is difficult for the vast majority of persons—Christian or otherwise—to understand.”

My goal was to help them understand what it means to be someone who is transgender and so their approach wouldn’t happen again. I wanted to show that I could be a light for others in a similar situation and show they can still be themselves AND be in Christ.


  • December 1, 2022


I receive an email response from the head pastor, Pastor J, letting me know they were glad I reached out and spoke with Pastor A. Wanting to find out if I wanted to connect in person with Ashley.


  • December 7, 2022


I respond back to Pastor J a few days later. I asked for a few dates that we would be able to sit down for a meeting. I also reminded them about my wife’s pregnancy & that she didn’t  want to be in a stressful situation and wouldn’t be attending.


  • December 9, 2022


I received another response from Pastor J. He is understanding of Ashley and my work schedule to schedule a meeting convenient for the both of us. They mention how when they saw me that I seemed distant. They also expressed that they have a fondness for my family and that they were happy to be a part of our wedding and understanding if I don’t want them to pastor to us any longer. They also mentioned the goal of our meeting will be to understand where I am at, for me to hear their thoughts, and to see if we can come alongside you. 


  • December 19, 2022


I respond to their email with dates of my upcoming availability to set up a meeting. I also let them know they are correct I was distant. This has nothing to do with being pastored at their church and it’s about the loss of feeling welcome. I let them know we appreciate their pastoring but when you are told you will create a “confusing image” it creates an unwelcoming and unloving place of worship.


I mention their mission, that they can’t connect to ALL people if we are concerned of the vanity of what our church looks like inside. I also mention that we would still love to continue to come to their church but this issue raises concern for my family and others in similar situations. My goal of the meeting  is to know how we can together figure out how to disciple to everyone at their church.


  • December 24, 2022


It’s the busy season for them and myself.  I have not gotten a response but it is Christmas Eve. I have a decision…do I stay home & create a new Christmas Eve tradition or do I show up to the Christmas Eve service? I show up with Ashley and Zoey to show we are not responding negatively and that we want to work this issue out.


  • February 19, 2023


It’s been a month since Daisy was born. Still no response so I follow up with another email response to Pastor J  to see if they changed their mind, forgot, or if we can schedule something for the next week since I had a free day.


  • February 20, 2023


I get a response & we finally have a meeting scheduled.




  • February 23, 2023


We have our meeting- in this meeting it is me with Pastor J and Pastor A sitting across from me in their office. I am feeling anxious about how this is going to go but I prayed for a calm, cool, collected meeting.  It is agreed quickly by the lead pastor, Pastor J, that the phone call was not the right approach and an in-person meeting should have been held with the staff being made aware of the intent to call me to inform me of his personal decision.


We discussed and went over the view points of why someone would be asked to step down when they are in a serving position and are sinning. It was mentioned how since my “sin is a visible sin” it is going to create a confusing image so I can no longer partake in service roles  and wouldn’t be able to participate with their church because of being transgender.


However, when I mentioned that there were other sins they were aware of since Pastor J held our pre-marriage counseling, I was told that “sin” was not a “visible sin” and they still allowed us to volunteer/serve the church as I was an usher and I would drive their truck since they were a mobile church at the time.


Our conversion continued. I brought up Their position paper from Assemblies of God which states :


“This does not mean that those who struggle with gender incongruence are sinning, nor does it mean that attempts to resolve the incongruence against the body should be regarded as intentional rebellion against God rather than as a fight for survival.”

When I asked what does this mean, they couldn’t provide an answer. Who they are affiliated with states it is not sinning nor rebelling against God… still no answer other than their judgement.


They asked me as the hour and a half conversation went on “what can we do to show we love and welcome you and your family?” I thought how important it would be for Ashley to have Daisy dedicated at church (a formal way to say you will raise your child to know Jesus. I tell them I would like to still be able to dedicate Daisy.  Pastor J said “yes, we would do that, if I was willing to not come on the stage wearing any makeup or having painted nails”


Here we are again completely shocked . So what did I do? I thought well Ashley will find this important and it’s not that big of a deal so I said okay.


  • conversation ends


I get home and I tell Ashley what I said here- to my surprise, Ashley responded “No”. She tells me how I worked hard to have a conversation and to help other people and they ended the conversation just how it had started, by telling me I can come but I can not show up as myself.  We weren’t going to go to a church whose mission is to connect every man, woman, and child to Jesus Christ but then turn their back on those longing for a relationship with Jesus. Especially a church that is more concerned over the vanity of the people that make up the church, that is what is really the confusing image here.


Ashley was right, it wasn’t the place for me or our family. I tried to bring understanding and awareness through my compassion for others. If I chose to stay, I wasn’t going to be able to use my God given gifts to help others. I would be treated like an animal in a cage at the zoo, and the zoo is not the place for me.



 

Before you know it it’s September. I had been enjoying life as a family of four, and all the new experiences and happiness life has brought me and my family. If you read my first post, this is when the idea to create a blog came into my mind. A place to write longer thoughts and experiences. “A place to tell my story so it could be someone else’s survival guide.”Hopefully spreading positivity, kindness, and helping inspire others to find their own happily ever after.



November arrives I got involved with an organization. It is what I was looking for in helping others while also serving the county I work in. The LGBT Equality Alliance of Chester County is where I volunteered to see how I can assist with their recent fundraiser and to my surprise I felt like I was a helpful asset.  I look forward to seeing how I can continue to help and advocate for others at future events. It was an area outside of a church that I could use my skills to network, and I could remain myself and not judged anymore.  It just feels right to finally serve an organization and community that wants to be welcoming and loving to all.


While it may not be the zoo that I longed to be a part of it, I found a place where cages can’t hold me back from helping others. I guess you can say I found my circus, where my talents and skills are going to be welcomed and appreciated. I can actually do what I’ve felt called to do; help, support and lift up those who need it- regardless of who they are.



Yes, this is where I want to be the circus is the place for me.


I am doing what Jesus would have done, love everyone unconditionally.  We all want to find that perfect place where we feel like we truly belong and where our amazing talents are recognized. Like the “leopard” in the book. We all have our own special qualities that make us stand out from the crowd. It's super important to embrace those qualities and find a place where you can truly shine.


 

Lastly, I want to address what I need to bring closure with- something I haven’t had a chance to do yet for me, for Ashley, & for our family. I can use my little platform I created here and I  am going to dedicate our daughter. I am going to commit ourselves to Daisy Nela Cummings to live a happy, healthy life and giving her our unconditional love and support so she can learn this is what Jesus would have wanted and intended.



-Taylor Jade🫶

Edited: Ashley


 

here is the link mentioned above



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