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Writer's pictureTaylor Cummings

I am: a girl dad

Updated: Aug 26

I am a girl dad


I am a girl dad

 

    A few nights ago I was trying on dresses for a Gala my wife and I will be attending at the start of February. It’s later in the evening, around nine o’clock, & my now 4 year old needs to be told goodnight (again for the 7th time). She says to me “that dress looks beautiful on you daddy.” A few days go by and I am putting a clutch away that I got for the Gala and my 4 year old asks me two questions. The first one being “What is that for?” & The other being “Why were you wearing a dress? Dads don’t wear dresses.”  The first question is a quick & simple straightforward answer. The next question is still quick but even more honest, “well I am a dad, and I like to wear one. But not all dads like to wear dresses. Just like some mommies like to wear dresses and some moms don’t.” 


the dress in question

    After answering that question for her, I thought it would be a good blog post to talk about being a parent this past year, Specifically a dad, & even more specifically a transgender parent- a “girl dad.” Being a girl dad for me nowadays, is a play on words of the fact that I am a dad of two daughters & I am also a dad who is a girl. I own that proudly. Being a transgender parent has its obstacles but it has way more joys than anything else I could have imagined. Some of the struggles that I’ve faced in being a parent during the last year consisted of emotions of shame, loneliness, and failure.


playground fun : )

    Guilt and shame was an issue I’ve faced with before when it came to coming out and how that has affected me. The way I define these two words are that guilt is something you feel negatively about because it is an action you yourself caused. While shame is a negative feeling you feel that is caused by someone else’s action. What does that look like? The easiest way to describe this stems from internet trolls. Where? When I would come across a comment on a trending topic or social media post site where someone is a transgender parent. How? It is comments such as these… 

 

“Imagine abandoning your wife and kid to do that, so selfish” 
“There goes a father figure the kid won't ever be able to look up to”. 

You may be thinking, Taylor, why do you have these saved? Because I had to spend two or three therapy sessions working out how to cope with these type of comments. What did I learn?  


  • Not to engage by commenting back. 

  • They are trying to make you feel guilty by shaming us.

  • Don’t concern yourself with external thoughts from others


    I believe making us feel ashamed and guilty that we exist as parents is their goal.  They want to prevent other parents from making the best parenting decision for their children which is accepting there is no choice when it came to transitioning. I wanted to mention internet trolls because I dealt with a lot of uncertainty of what this transition would mean for my family and friends. In those early and later stages of transition the last place we need the negativity is someone behind a computer screen. Regardless of what is said and done by those that troll on the internet, our children want a happy parent because when we have that positive energy it radiates and our children feel that. 


clam conversations

    The next emotion I felt is loneliness. There have been multiple moments when I felt as though I am alone in this journey as a parent that is transgender. I have built relationships with other parents and it is amazing. We can relate on so many issues and discuss almost anything. It may be more of a personal issue I have but I feel like sometimes when you are having a really dysphoric moment and you are surrounded by parents who aren’t transgender, it feels like you can’t vent about or discuss transgender parenting life. So, I often find myself going to Reddit and Google rather than finding support or a friend network of transgender parents. On Reddit or other forums is where I can explain my concerns like how did you handle this with your kids, or what did you do when…? Something I am working on now is finding people to make those connections with and be one for them as well. 


    As I processed what negative emotions you are more susceptible to as being a transgender parent, I picked emotions that I felt would resonate with others (especially with those early in transition). Those negative thoughts lead to feelings of being a failure for your children and feeling like you failed at parenting. I think this is something that happens naturally for both cis and transgender parents at all stages of your child’s life and overall it is okay to feel that because realistically you/we are kick ass parents. I think it hits a little harder for trans parents sometimes because you feel pressure from the outside world of what it means to parent as a transgender parent because it isn’t the “norm”. What I learned is that as long as you focus on what your child’s current needs are and putting them first before the view points of others, you’ll never fail them or yourself at parenting.


    One of the best perks about driving around and delivering packages all day is the ability to discover new podcasts and one of my most recent discoveries is “The Girl Dad Girls” podcast. I never heard of it before and it popped up one day on my instagram feed so I checked it out. I found the content enjoyable as I listened. I have listened to about  half of the episodes of their podcast so far. I am starting to feel like I found a better resource than Google to go to for my endless void of questions and understanding of how the universe functions. The Girl Dad Girls include other guests for interviews and most are parents as well. It is not just limited to parenting but also different perspectives on all different issues that affect the transgender community. Amongst the episodes I’ve now listened to I’ve found topics and situations that really resonated with me. There were a few that got me emotional, some that offered new insights, and one episode I even found myself laughing right in front of someone’s ring door bell camera as I am delivering a package to their doorstep. It deserves the recommendation to others and anyone that doesn’t mind some mature content.  I will link their podcast below but you can find them on Instagram, YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcast. Oh, and It also just happened to be discovered at a time when my daughter is asking those questions curious children have as they try to understand the world.  So, it was nice to hear how others handled certain conversations or topics with their children.


check them out!

    I met someone indirectly because of the podcast who delivers a message of positivity and being yourself. They are another parent and they said to me the other night “Make sure to hold onto something when the path gets a little shaky”. She was unaware that the second thing she would tell me would make an impact on me like it did. I flashbacked to 2021 when I held tight onto my then 2 year old daughter, crying and scared I was risking it all, as I decided I needed to transition so I can find the happiness and presence my daughter deserves from her dad. I’ve held tight onto my oldest as my new path wasn’t always clear, some days worse than others.  When my youngest arrived 2 years later, I now hold onto her just like I’ve done her sister as I figured out what the future of being their dad looks like, as it was still new and social and medical aspects have not started. My girls have and continue to keep me grounded and I am so blessed to have them. I firmly believe that this quote is powerful and is helpful to anyone struggling, I didnt realize how much I needed to hear that. So, Carly thank you for being you and encouraging others to be uncontrollably themselves.


if this chair could talk the stories it would share

    Being a transgender parent, has been the best moments of my life so far. February 1st will mark my first full year of transition living fully as myself and as a “girl dad.” I tried the good ole reliable google and asked what is a dad? The answer I got ultimately was a dad’s love is unconditional and unwavering and the qualities were long but to pick 3- integrity, responsibility, and respect. Basically for me, I don’t know what part the internet trolls reference when they say that a child lost a father figure because they absolutely did not. If anything, my children gained an improved role model than they had before because I now get to help redefine what being a dad looks. 


baby feet in the sand <3

     I will always be a dad regardless of what they call me if the time comes for a shake up to how they address me. My girls will be the ones who decide they want to call me something else other than dad, I’m all for what they want and what makes them happy.  Terms like dad is just semantics with whatever name they choose, if they choose. It will just mean the same to me and carry that same role, just a different title. There is nothing different that I could do for my children prior to my transition than I can’t do now as a transwoman. My children gained a better version of me- one that chose to live because of them and so I can try to give them the best life possible. Because of my children they deserve to know as we grow older as a family, that besides their mom, no one will ever love them more. They deserve to know that from me how much their presence has changed me for the best. I will teach, just as they have taught me. I will help my girls become who they are destined to be in life. 


love my work lunch hangouts

    My final thought on this journey is it has been worth every ounce I have gave for my children. My happiness is at a level I’ve never experienced. I was terrified how things could have turned out- with me and their mom. Here we are no longer trying but we are just doing life as a happy family of four. The days of faking a smile are in the past. Everything feels like it has a purpose, and that I can still be an amazing dad who still gets to teach my little ones all these amazing things like helping them with their first steps & riding a bike with no training wheels. Depending on what they want to do in life I’ll still be the one to walk them down the aisle.


teaching Zo how to ride with no training wheels at 3 is a win for me

    I want my daughters to know that they can have unconditional love and have empathy for all. I have heard the saying from Nelson Mandela “People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love". My daughter asked me and Ashley a question in the car coming home from visiting my mom. She asked “do all boys have no hair on their head?” Once again we have to explain to her.  This was prompted because over the holidays we visited family and 3 out of 4 men had little to shaved heads at my moms. So we explain to her “no, but some boys have no hair and some boys have really long hair.” She just says “oh” and goes back to her tablet. Me and my wife discuss why she would ask such random questions like this and then we realize that the majority of the males in her life have little hair to no hair and daddies who aren’t wearing dresses. My daughter who is just trying to figure out the way society works is just an example of if you just explain that some people have a little & some have a lot, it can go a long way. It doesn’t set judgement to others because we are hopefully sending a message that will have both girls growing with kindness, respect, and empathy. My girls can hopefully make an impact and change the world as we normalize what it means to have a family with a transgender parent, then again as the saying goes what is normal anyway?


love my family <3

-Taylor Jade :)

Edited by: Ashley <3

 

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