Playing to Win

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‘Playing to Win’

-Taylor Jade

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I am

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Have you ever faced a moment where your next move could either bring you closer to your happily ever after or risk everything you’ve worked for? I am at that crossroad.

My gender transition has been strategic and methodical from day one, with each step carefully planned like a game of chess. The chessboard represents my life, with every piece playing a crucial role all set up perfectly, similar to the life I had created before it.

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pawns, rooks, bishops, and knights

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Acquaintances, friends, coworkers, and family are the pawns on my board. Although they might seem the weakest, they are supportive, and have great potential. If they reach the other side of the board, they become stronger, increasing their value.

My inner circle, filled with my closest of family and friends, are the stronger pieces- the rook, bishop, and the knight. Each with unique value and strength. They provide vital support, and losing any of them would weaken my board more than their counterparts, the pawns.

All of these pieces combined : pawns, rooks, bishops, and knights- all work together to protect the most vital pieces on my board, offering their love, protection and support for: the king and queen.

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king and queen

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The king represents my children, the most valuable piece on my board. While the king is limited by its position and movements- their significance drives every move I make and I keep the right pieces closest to them, as losing them would mean losing everything. My goal has been to navigate my board, ensuring they are never in danger of check or checkmate.

Then there’s the queen, representing my wife. The queen has the freedom to move across the board in nearly any direction, making her the most powerful piece on the board. Every decision I made when coming out as transgender was with my wife and my children in mind, ensuring that I approached their emotions and concerns with respect and integrity because my board is strongest when together.

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transitioning

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Transitioning can come at a cost, as every move on the chessboard of life involves potential sacrifices. Some pieces are lost unexpectedly, and my next move—one involving my most powerful piece—carries significant risk. It could lead to a checkmate against myself, undoing all my previous efforts.

The hardest part of this match is understanding how others, in particularly my wife, will respond to my moves. It’s a delicate balance between making the right move for myself while also considering the impact on her and our future.

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catastrophizing

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I am guilty of catastrophizing- which is a thought pattern where someone assumes the worst possible outcome in a situation, even when it may not be true. Making this next move, though necessary, feels the riskiest yet. While it feels right for me, I still worry about its impact on the queen and subsequently my king.

What I know to be true is that this will bring me closer to what I consider a key part of completing my transition. However, this tendency to catastrophize is my biggest crutch in this game. I just have to trust that the communication about my transition is clear, and that the foundation I’ve built is strong enough to withstand what may feel like a quick and intimidating step for the queen.

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endgame

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I‘ll be making my biggest move yet come winter, and writing this post sets the stage for it. Transparency has been a cornerstone of my strategy since day one, and sharing my story where it is at is a continuation of that commitment. The only way to find out if my strategy will succeed is to make that move and see the outcome. Whether I win or lose, one thing is certain—

I gave it everything that I got- ensuring my village is filled with the right people to support me and my family.

This decision is the start of the endgame of my transition, as I take the final move toward living as my true self. It’s the culmination of every carefully planned move. With a date set, and the pieces I have left on my board forming a strong support system, ready to help me win this game against myself as prepare to make the move that will put my gender dysphoria in checkmate.

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This isn’t just true for someone going through a gender transition it’s true for life in general. Life is a complex game where each of us plays our own version of chess, with every move triggering a reaction on someone else’s board. The real challenge lies in staying ahead of those reactions, anticipating them while remaining true to ourselves on our path to finding our happily ever after.

One key to success is ensuring we have the strongest support system and community on our board, guiding us through both the hardships and the triumphs that life brings. We are not alone, and by sharing our stories, we all win through our lived experiences.

-Taylor Jade

www.taylorjadeblogs.com

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Edited by: Ashley

📷: Ashley